Just to get this out of the picture. I already have another site
However, that one was meant to be a personal portfolio of sorts. But now I realize that I have no use of a personal portfolio. It’s not like I’m going to get a job anyway, so why bother with one. I don’t think I’ll live for long, so I decided to do whatever I liked until I died. I tried browsing the internet and found out that it was not interesting. Just to be sure, I never had an instagram account or anything, and the only time I had a facebook account was nearly a decade ago, which I used to play some browser games once a month or so.
The thing is , I did not have any kind of internet access in my home in my childhood , all the way until I was 17. My primary source of entertainment was reading books and playing some rather dull games on my low-spec pc (Which had a pentium g2010 with 2 GB RAM and no dedicated GPU). I thought that , when I had internet access, it would be the next great step- but i t wasn’t.
I don’t know, there was nothing out of the ordinary on the internet. For me, it was just a bigger library, but the books I had already were enough to occupy all of my time, so the internet was not a particularly good improvement. One thing I did get from the internet was programming. I learnt basic programming logic from the internet. But it actually did more harm than good. I was introduced to the extremist part of the free software community , and I was a boy who liked taking up ideologies that convinced me. But this ideology was that of pure paranoia. I refused to give my face or other biometric data even to things like university for id cards and exams, and refused to use the proprietary software that they used to take exams. As a result, I magnificently flunked first year of university. Also, I started watching anime… the really depressing sort. That broke me. I was numb and filled with despair and terror, refusing to get up from my bed for two months, despite my family’s concerns (there were also some other family issues going on, but we’ll ignore those). Even before that, the internet introduced me to the concept of FOMO (Fear of missing out). Before, I didn’t care about what other people thought. But in university, there were all these smart sounding classmates who talked gibberish that I couldn’t understand. Little did I know that these were lost souls, and I ended up wasting a lot of time studying their nonsense. Also , the sheer amount clickbait on the internet made me believe in random things that were so logically wrong, I could have puked.
But I am thankful that I broke down. I broke down for the whole duration of my college, a whole four (five ?) years. My failures snowballed semester after semester. I realized there was no such thing as rock bottom. No matter how much you fall, you can fall even more. But it gave me time to think. I realized I was no longer fit for college as I was when I entered. I pleaded with my parents to allow me to quit college but they did not agree. It doesn’t matter, because after failing continuously for four years, they will surely kick me out anyway. I should have done a job or something instead of coming to university. The introduction to university and the internet together was itself a 404 error for me.
Today, I see my peers spending hours watching instagram or some other brain rot, and I wonder why they didn’t end up like me. Maybe because they’ve been conditioned to the internet for a long time ? I don’t know. I don’t want to be involved with that part of the internet anymore. I want the internet to be a library , the good part of the internet, and maybe a public notebook. Not a notebook meant to attract attention, but something like a notebook that just acts like Marcus Aurelius’s Meditation . If anyone wants to read it they can, and even if they have to, they have to find the book in the library.
That is why I created this blog. It is my public notebook of my thoughts , convictions and the like.